The Stranger-Danger Myth

When I was a child growing up in the 1970s there was a robust Stranger-Danger campaign that taught us as children not to get in cars with strangers or communicate with people we didn’t know. It created visions of maniacal, trench-coat-wearing weirdos out kidnapping and harming children. It is still a great idea to teach children not to get into a car with a stranger. But there’s more to it.

In my former career I was a sex-offender coordinator who processed packets for sexually violent predators for the state of Arizona. I did this job for several years, in which I learned the reality of “grooming.”

That reality is that most children are sexually assaulted by people who are in their social circle or social periphery. The perpetrators of these crimes are pedophiles. Pedophilia is when a person is sexually aroused by children, typically aged 13 years and younger.

Who are these predatory people? They are family members, parents, older siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents and in-laws. After family members, you have teachers, coaches, clergy, troop leaders, family friends and mentors in the social periphery. These are people who will find ways to access children, including the most vulnerable, to use for sexual gratification and abuse. There is a power/dominance influence with these relationships. Lately we see a lot of commentary about “grooming” minors. How does that look?

There are stages of grooming. Understand these “groomers” also “groom” the parents and guardians of the minors. These predators must first identify a victim. Pedophiles have different “types” regarding appearance, gender and age, and most pedophiles look for victims they see as vulnerable. They then gather information on their target by speaking with the child or the parent/guardian in casual conversations. Then the pedophile will fulfill an identified need. Impoverished children may be given expensive gifts or tickets. If the child is lonely or a loner, the pedophile will become their “friend.” Then the pedophile will lower the child’s inhibitions. They may deploy alcohol or drugs, or engage them in a game or activity that involves touching one another or getting undressed. They may offer to show them pornography or illicit magazine materials.

These are people who look for families in distress, who need help. The pedophile wants to be the “savior,” the good guy/gal/person, by watching children, taking them out, helping with bills. Once the abuse starts, they may blame the child, threaten to harm the child, the parents or other people they care about, including pets, to keep their silence. Remember the power/dominance in this relationship. If there is an adult who knows a lot about your child and what they like, etc., be wary of that person. It’s sad that those who appear the most helpful, kind, giving, and supportive can be the people you most need to worry about.

Of the sexual crimes reported to law enforcement by juveniles, 93% knew the person who was abusing them, 59% were acquaintances, 34% were family members and 7% were strangers. This also means that in most cases a parent knew the perpetrator.

If your child comes forward, believe them first. It may be difficult to hear as a parent that someone you know may have harmed your child. You may scream “no!” on the inside, but take all allegations seriously. Look for changes in your child’s attitude, behavior or school performance. If your first instinct when meeting an adult who will have access to your child is that you do not trust them, trust that. Your parental instinct says this person may not be as they portray themselves. If your child doesn’t like a certain adult, trust that too.

Some pedophiles want rights and to be identified as a protected class, that their sexual orientation be recognized like the LGBTQ+ community. The LGBTQ+ community finds pedophiles as reprehensible as the heterosexual community. Why? These community members have been victimized by pedophiles too. They will not add this group to their flag or acronym.  Organized pedophiles have been trying to associate themselves with the LGBTQ+ community since the beginning of that identification in 1978.

It’s important to point out that LGBTQ+ community members engage in consensual relationships with one another, and value consent in relationships and sex as much as everyone else does.

The idea that pedophiles are any less dangerous because they watch child porn is a fallacy. Child pornography is not a victimless crime. With the advancement of technology and the use of the internet on mobile devices, the numbers of photos and videos of children being sexually violated are at record levels. That means there are more children being victimized — supply and demand.

This type of abuse is damaging. Having your dignity removed from you as a small child or teenager can have lifelong impact. What can victims do? In Arizona you have the right to sue the abuser for up to twelve years after you turn 18. In Arizona if the child victim is between 15 and 16 years of age there is a seven-year statute of limitations from the time law enforcement is made aware of the crime to charging the perpetrator. If the victim is under the age of 15 at the time of the crime, there is no statute of limitations.

If you have been victimized and you do not know where to get help locally, contact the Yavapai Family Advocacy Center (928-775-0669) or The Sanctuary in the Verde Valley (928-634-2511). They have trained professionals to help victims of violence and sexual violence. They also work with forensic interviewers, therapists and law-enforcement to aid in bringing these predators to justice. You do not have to go into a police station to get help, they will come to you. Law-enforcement officers take these allegations extremely seriously.

This is Hedda Fay reminding you that your body is yours. You have the right to decide who touches it and who doesn’t. If that is ever violated, you are a crime victim and deserve justice. The pedophiles may appear powerful and influential in communities, but they do not have power over laws designed to protect us from them and their actions.