February 2025
Leaves from My Notebook
Elaine Greensmith Jordan

Romance

I’ve lived long enough to be a bit cranky about Romance, the forever love we see on the Hallmark channel. I’ve known marriages I thought were perfect end in collapse. I’ve seen besotted teens marry and promise faithfulness — till the birth of a baby. My own story is troublesome, too. It seems we must endure some shitty stuff, some poor choices, before we’re done. It’s a gift to learn from it all.

Love is Not Enough is the title of a book on child care I’ve not forgotten. It startled me as a young mother, since the stories I knew of motherhood and Romance seemed to say that love is all you need. Instead, I learned that more is demanded of a parent — like guidance, discipline and boundaries. I also learned that more is demanded of a relationship than a powerful attraction. It took the slings and arrows of real life to teach me that lesson.

Why are we seduced by the myth of Romance? I’ll blame television, romantic stories and wishful thinking. They gently persuade our vulnerable souls that we can find the perfect partner and enjoy lives of affection and plenty. Those of us who’ve known sorrow in love and seen dreams dashed no longer have stars in our eyes. Anyone who’s observed lovers and dreamers knows what might be around the corner.

An appealing part of Romance is that it’s an answer to despair and loneliness. It turns cloudy days sunny and makes us feel happy, confident, ready to take on what comes. It’s the best antidote to life’s stresses, like a delightful elixir that sets the world right. The adventure is fun. We’re designed to enjoy our desires and seek a partner. When in love we feel attractive and believe in possibilities. Everyone should have a Romance like that. It’s something to remember, to muse about later.

Still, the truth about romantic love and marriage is bitter. Babies are abandoned; partners are beaten; vows are forgotten. Even the most realistic of us cling to the hope that our love will not have those catastrophes. We are believers, easily persuaded and naïve. In my romantic past, I have a list of sadness and failure. The list includes divorce. How did that happen? The short answer is I held faulty ideas about Romance, about what a relationship really demands, about how to be a loving partner.

My life also includes a later good marriage, good kids and supportive friends, but I’ve made serious mistakes. I’m not a romantic now, just an ignorant girl of the Fifties who watched Donna Reed be a compliant wife on TV. Sex was never spoken of in my world, nor was there information in an article by Hedda Fay in 5enses. Gay people were closeted. Transgender wasn’t even a word. So I have some excuses for my ignorance and failures. Because I’ve been a teacher, I collect and read memoirs, and the good ones describe love and the many ways it affects a life — the neglect, the joy, the suffering and longing. Many memoirs find humor in the journey. I’m thinking of classics like Mary Karr’s Liar’s Club, Frank McCourt’s Angela’s Ashes, and Jeanette Walls’ Glass Castle. A truthful life is complicated, made of Romance and wounds. These memoirs reveal all of it.

Now, having lived through some dark stuff and suffered some shocks, I believe in telling the truth. Maybe that’s why I write — to find the truth in my heart. Experience has made me skeptical about Romance, so I can’t  advise that a soulmate is waiting for you. Our culture is cruel, lonely and frightening. Living above the poverty line is tough, too. Accidents happen. Illness happens. We have a lot to navigate, and it takes luck and courage.

If you turn to the internet for a partner in love, be careful and honest. Live in hope, but verify. Internet romance has led to some great relationships and some awful failures. I saw a dating ad in an upscale magazine for an online source that advertises, in blue and silver type, “Find Love Like a CEO.” I’m not kidding. It goes on to say they will find for you “unparalleled, handcrafted love” because they have “tailored connections.” I’d like to know how they manage it. With bank statements? FBI background checks? Spying in your neighborhood?

Arranged marriages, common in some cultures, probably work just as well as “handcrafted love.” I’d like to apply for their job of matchmaker, because I fancy myself a good judge of character. I’d interview you and your friends; I’d read your transcripts; I’d examine your health records; I’d meet your family and your eligible partner. It would be fun to have such power over people, and my prices would be more reasonable than those smart guys offering you love like a CEO.

Elaine Jordan, author of Mrs. Ogg Played the Harp, is a local editor who’s lived in Prescott for thirty years.