Men, Males, and Intimate-Partner Violence

My friends, men can be and are underrepresented and underreported victims of intimate-partner violence. The numbers may shock you.

As a female with three sisters and lots of women friends, I know all too well about what we experience regarding violence. I had no idea about the magnitude of male victimization. The numbers are astonishingly high.

I read up on studies from the CDC, ADHS, WHO, NIAID, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, the Bureau of Justice Statistics and others for data and information. To stay current I’m always reading articles, blogs, vlogs, etc., regarding sexual health.

The estimates are that one in ten men is a victim of intimate-partner violence, and it’s generally believed that this kind of incident is underreported. Among men who report this kind of physical assault, sexual assault or emotional abuse, 97% identify their abusers as female. When males are “made to penetrate” someone for sex, 79% of the time the perpetrator is also female. Think about that.

Most stalking trainings I’ve attended involved the lethality of stalking violence and what’s now referred to as ‘traditional’ stalking: following, trying to talk to the victim’s family, colleagues, friends, calling, approaching, sending unwanted or misunderstood gifts, or attempts at in-person contact at a victim’s personal or professional location. There is also a lot of cyberstalking. A shockumentary on Netflix called The Most Hated Man on the Internet is a terrifying look into the internet/ email dangers, crimes, and psychology of what a slowly expanding number of people can do to others, cyberstalking on steroids.

Two-thirds of cyberstalking involves unwanted phone calls, VMs, DMs or texts. Almost 60% of traditional stalking included being watched or followed, while almost half experienced their stalker showing up where they would not normally be — think driving or walking by where you work, live, or work out. Approximately 30% of cyberstalking victims report being threatened to have private, intimate photographs or information about themselves released online.

There is a current case of extraordinary violence against a male by a female perpetrator. Taylor Schabusiness, 25, is currently being held on a $2-million bond for the sexual assault, murder, bodily dismemberment and mutilation of her “lover,” Shad Thyrion, then 25. She allegedly raped him, strangled him with a chain, chopped him up and tossed pieces of him around a home in Wisconsin in February 2020. Then on Valentine’s Day 2023 she attacked her own attorney in court.

This unusual case demonstrates that males are victims of violence at the hands of women, including extreme sexual violence. Intimate-partner violence against males, both in terms of incidence and severity, will increase over time, and it can be difficult to detect.

Abusers use hurtful language, threats and intimidation to control their partners: name-calling, interfering with family relationships, preventing you from seeing friends, controlling money or what one wears, acting jealous and possessive, threatening violence, hitting, shoving, kicking, burning, slapping or choking, forcing sex, threatening to accuse you of violence, and blaming you for their behavior.

For gay, bisexual and transgender men there are additional types of violence and threats; if you leave, you’re admitting your lifestyle is wrong, that law enforcement does not care about gay/bisexual/trans men, attempts to tell you that you are not gay/trans/bisexual, threats to tell your family and friends about your sexuality/orientation.

Abuse is cyclic. The abuser will pick a fight (verbal), threaten you, strike you, then apologize and provide a gift or token of affection, and tell you and the world they will never do it again. Shortly the fighting starts again, and we’re back where we started.

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence estimates that one in 18 men has been stalked by a partner, one in 71 has reported being raped in their lifetime, one in seven has been the victim of severe physical injury by an intimate partner, 44.9% of male rape victims report being raped by an acquaintance, 13.4% of male high-school students report being physically or sexually abused by a partner, and more than half of stalkings of males are perpetrated by females, 5.1 million men in the US have reported being stalked by an intimate partner, and it is estimated that 20 people are victims of intimate-partner violence every minute in the US. That means that of 1,440 minutes in a 24-hour period, 28,800 people are victimized daily in this country.

If you or someone you know may be a victim of intimate-partner violence, there is help: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 (SAFE), visit ndvh.org, or call the National Dating Abuse Helpline at 866-331-9474 or loveisrespect.org.

This is Hedda Fay encouraging you to break the generational abuse cycle in your own life. If you grew up with violence, as I did, you can break the generational curse your family is experiencing — get help. If you have a friend or loved one in the throes of abuse, talk with them and help them develop a safety plan.  Try to get them help before it’s too late.