Yelp review of the planet Earth

Dec 29, 17 • 5enses, FeatureNo Comments

Apollo 17 view of Earth, aka “The Blue Marble.” Public domain.

By Jacques Laliberté 

We visited this quaint planet — it’s in a corner of the Milky Way galaxy — on the recommendation of the wife’s carbon surgeon. I guess those guys are used to another level of accommodations because the wife and I found our experience downright unpleasant.

Let me explain: First, the hospitality encountered in North America — a brash continent whose citizenry are highly active and their demeanor brusque — was not up to universal standard. The wife then reminded me that these sentients do not travel off-planet so wouldn’t know how others comport themselves. They eyed us askance, making no attempt to disguise their discomfort.

The foodstuffs we sampled were spiced in unique and concordant ways, as their native organic ingredients are found no where else, and trying local food is one reason we travel. Unfortunately, the human serving us was undergoing life-span changes which nullified her empathy.

Illustration by Jacques Laliberte.

Regional temperatures were tolerable, though we remained bound to our SCn-pacs just in case. The single, newer star — affectionately dubbed “Sun” — that lights Earth is agreeably dull — with one caveat, below — adding a warm hue to the surroundings.

Travel Advisory! The light/dark cycle this star generates during Earth’s intervallic rotation is alarmingly brief and would’ve caused us to pupate if not for our medications. All our pre-trip research did not describe this potential horror. Beware.

Throughout our itinerary, we became increasingly aware of foreign, untethered objects moving about most everywhere. They were absurdly easy to identify: Doritos, Coke, Pall Mall, Taco Bell, Hostess. Oh those crazy species names, we both agreed! That’s why we travel.

In sum, we cannot fully recommend Earth to those seeking third-stage relaxation, but all the Travel Guide accounts of Earth we believed as in-conceivable are actually true, and for the Weird Factor alone this unruly planet is worth consideration.

Our Ratings (max of 5*s): *** Environmental Compatibility

** Inhabitant Behavior

**** Entertainment Index



Author and artist Jacques Laliberté was a 20-plus-year resident of Prescott, has written for and designed several publications and a novella. He often forgets the names of people he knows well. He willingly moved to Paulden a few years ago.

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