Perceivings: Your science conspiracies may be charged at a higher rate

The author and a friend. Courtesy photo.

By Alan Dean Foster

Washington D.C. councilman Trayon White recently said (on multiple occasions) that the Rothschild family controls the weather. Leaving aside the fact that councilman White’s social as well as formal education is manifestly sadly deficient, it got me to thinking yet again about the many current conspiracy theories that involve science. It’s easy to construct a conspiracy theory centered around science because so few people bother to take any time to understand it.

But in this particular instance, while yet again causing me to deplore the state of the species of which I have to count myself a member, it struck me that all the propounders of these intrigues must be deeply involved in making oodles of cash off their exercises. Otherwise why bother? I therefore furrowed my brow (don’t worry, it goes away) with an eye toward unearthing the nefarious subtleties behind their global plots.

Let’s start with Councilman White’s contention. How would one profit off controlling the weather? Based on Washington D.C.’s recent stormy conditions (sorry … couldn’t resist), one would expect any businesses they control to immediately stock as much bad weather gear as possible. According to my research via Cambridge Analytics (that’s Cambridge, Idaho), the most recommended stores in D.C. for such gear are Comfort One Shoes, Hudson Trail Outfitters, Simply Soles, the Smithsonian Store, and Lou Lou.

Aside from the fact that I cannot see a family as venerable as the Rothschilds being professionally involved with any establishment that calls itself Lou Lou, it quickly became clear from my in-depth investigation that that great European banking family had nothing to do with any of the aforementioned enterprises … although I suppose, being a government entity obviously controlled by outside forces, the Smithsonian must at least remain suspect because their museum shop does sell raincoats. Clearly, the Rothschilds have conceded a huge money-making opportunity to a clutch of small stores and Walmart, therefore making money off the weather is patently not part of their scheming.

Now, if I were able to control the weather in Washington D.C., I wouldn’t do it simply to make commuters miserable. Surely, based on Councilman White’s claim, there has to be something far more sinister behind it. Yet all the Rothschilds’ efforts to give Mr. Trump a serious cold seem to have failed: His sinuses and throat appear to be in excellent health. One can’t correlate really bad weather with critical votes in Congress, so that rationale is also out. I must be overlooking something.

Ah. Got it. If, as Councilman White says, the Rothschilds can control the weather in D.C., then they should be able to control it anywhere. Plainly, it’s just a matter of pressing the right button on the weather control machine, or inserting the appropriate punch cards, or programming the correct floppy discs, or turning the crank in front of the giant machine. This (as most science conspiracies do) explains everything about not only our weather but everybody else’s weather, too.

If you’re going to promote a conspiracy theory, always go big.

Lightning over Bangkok, Thailand. Photo by Dominik QN via Unsplash.

Droughts in the Southwest, multiple Nor’easters in the Nor’east, floods in the Central Plains: patently all controlled by the Rothschilds and their marvelous magical weather machine. Fires in Portugal and Greece, blizzards in Britain, sandstorms in the Sahel, more drought in South Africa, more fires in Australia: all controlled and manipulated by the Rothschilds.

How is this possible? It’s very simple. It’s easier to believe in a conspiracy theory than it is to try and understand science. Because understanding requires thinking. Believing is easy. Thinking is hard. Or as Mark Twain said, “I wonder if God invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.”

I’m sure that in addition to controlling the weather, the Rothschilds are behind UFOs, vaccination causing autism, birth control for poor people, Ebola, AIDS, the recent bad flu season, and probably Bigfoot. Because … well, because the family is rich, and worked hard as hell to acquire their wealth, and have somehow managed to hang onto it in spite of naked prejudice, rapacious competitors, and an interminable line of eager conspiracy theorists.

But the latter flutter of fogheads is wrong. I know who really controls the weather. I even know where he does it. So shrewdly and quietly that no one notices.

Next time video shows Warren Buffet buying a hamburger in his favorite restaurant, just watch the hand signals that pass between him and the waitress. You won’t be surprised by the following week’s smothering blizzard in Chicago.

Of course, the Rothschilds control Warren Buffet, too. Just ask him.


Alan Dean Foster is author of more than 120 books, visitor to more than 100 countries, and still frustrated by the human species. Follow him at AlanDeanFoster.Com.

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