Recently, I signed up for a DNA test at one of those ancestry sites. It was a little pricey, but the idea intrigued me. Since my family originated in Lithuania, I fancied there might be some kings or brave knights of old, or at least a wizard (vedlys) or two in my background.
After sending in the usual saliva swab, I waited anxiously for the results. Months went by without a reply. Finally, I decided to call the company.
I had to go through three different people before I was transferred to the head honcho.
“Yes, Mr. Twaronite, we have your lab results here. You may want to sit down for this.”
I did not like the sound of this. The last time someone used those words was when the police called to tell me that my stolen car had been located at the bottom of the La Brea tar pits.
“Your ancestry is most unusual, Mr. Twaronite. In fact, we would like to perform some additional tests on you. If you give permission, you might even appear in a research paper. Would you be willing to come down to our office?”
“Not until you tell me what’s going on. What do you mean unusual? Are my genes abnormal? Is there some kind of disease I should know about? Am I gonna die?”
“No, you’re not going to die, at least not yet.”
“What is it then? Is it something about my ancestors? OK, so maybe I’ve got some bad dudes in my background. Whatever it is, please tell me!”
“When we started comparing your DNA matches, there was nothing at all surprising in your recent background. You have a few matches in old Vilnius — a 17th-century tavern keeper on your maternal side, and an undertaker and gypsy on your paternal side — and some more recent relatives in Kaunas. But as we plotted farther back, your genes simply went off the charts. You’ve heard of Neanderthals, Mr. Twaronite?”
“An early human that ran around Europe and Asia during the last Ice Age, right? Muscle-bound guys with big brows, lived in caves. So what are you saying — that I’ve got a few Neanderthal genes in my background? I guess it’s possible that some of my ancestors might have messed around a bit — hey, we’re all human. Now that I think about it, I remember reading somewhere that all modern humans have a few of their genes kicking around in us. So what’s the big deal?”
“Yes, most humans of European or Asian ancestry possess a small percentage of Neanderthal genes, somewhere around 1 to 4 percent. Indeed, as much as 20 percent of the Neanderthal genome may exist in human populations today. But yours is a special case, Mr. Twaronite. Let us just say that in your genetic makeup Neanderthals are exceptionally well-represented.”
“Are you saying that I’m some kind of alley-oop? I can assure you, I don’t look like that at all. What kind of percentage are we talking about?”
“Near as we can figure, it’s close to 63 percent. So far as we know, no other human possesses such a high percentage of Neanderthal genetic material.”
“So what you’re telling me is that my ancestors not only hooked up occasionally with Neanderthals — they had the hots for them. Does that make me some kind of freak?”
“Not at all, Mr. Twaronite. Neanderthal genes possess many fine qualities advantageous to human survival, such as resistance to certain diseases and the ability to adapt to cold climates. You should be proud of your lineage. Indeed, your genetic signature matches up closely with a group of Neanderthals living along the Baltic Sea in Lithuania approximately 35,000 years ago. They were probably some of the last living members of their species.”
“I guess that makes me a bit of a caveman.”
“Well, I wouldn’t put it quite that way. While some Neanderthals constructed elaborate huts, many did make use of the limestone caves common to much of Eurasia. These were not simple caves, mind you, but highly organized homes, with separate spaces devoted to sleeping, eating, and socializing. Despite the popular stereotypes, these early humans shared much in common with our own species. Their brain size was similar to our own. They fashioned complex tools, and even buried their dead. Let’s just say you’re more Neanderthal than anyone alive today.”
“You know I have been feeling some strange urges lately. It seems to be getting warmer and warmer around here. Sometimes I feel like heading north to a colder climate. Meet some new people. Find a nice cave with a view.”
Column ©Gene Twaronite 2014
Gene Twaronite’s writing has appeared in numerous literary journals and magazines. He is the author of “The Family That Wasn’t,” “My Vacation in Hell,” and “Dragon Daily News.” Follow Gene at TheTwaroniteZone.Com. “The Absurd Naturalist” logo by Jonathan Devine.